Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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