We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
