Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
