Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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