Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
