He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
