my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
