time to smoke my breakfast
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
