She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
home. puking in laundry basket.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
