just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
