they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
