dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
