just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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