Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
