i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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