i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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