i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
