There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
