I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
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Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
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just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
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