You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.