I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
she smelled like a LAN party
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
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Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
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She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I didn't notice because vodka
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.