Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
Pick me up at 9.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.