went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.