remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
