and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
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What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
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The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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