drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
