It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
