Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
