I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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