No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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