96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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