the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
