You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
