what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
