Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
