He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
