Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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