he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
