Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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