It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
