Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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