I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Randomize
