rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
