He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
