My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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