I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
