By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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