Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
