she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
