sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
