my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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