I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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