yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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