woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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