I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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