Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
