I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
