They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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