there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
