I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
